Family and Friends

 I am going to admit that I don’t have a close relationship with my family (as in parents and siblings) or any close friends and I am fine with that.

I have got friends and have had friends but I have not stayed close friends with anyone over time. Whenever a situation has changed, either I have moved or they have moved I have not really kept in touch on regular basis. I do have a couple of friends who live some distance away that I still speak to a couple of times a year and send cards and presents to but the majority I have lost contact with.

I have always preferred my own company and find too much socialising saps my energy and I just want to withdraw from people when that happens. I really enjoyed the lockdowns during COVID as there was no socialising and I could spend my time doing what I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I could not be a total recluse, I still want to see people and was glad of the Zoom meetings during that time. Now I am happy to go to my groups where there is a shared interest but I don’t like parties or big gatherings where you have to make general conversation with people that you will not see again for a long time.

Even with my family I don’t feel closely connected to them and never really have. I always felt like an outsider within my family growing up and as the eldest seemed to be blamed for everything even though I had nothing wrong. There were a couple of incidents during my teenage years that have definitely affected my relationship with my parents and I am very different from my sisters who are both a lot more outgoing and sociable than I ever was.  When grandparents died, I felt sad but never felt the loss that people speak of, and when my brother-in-law died suddenly and his parents and siblings were devastated, I was the calm, unflustered one making tea and detached enough emotionally to go through his personal belongings to get the information with regards to companies who would need to be informed of his death.

My closest relationships are with my husband and children. Matthew takes after me and prefers his own company but Emma and Craig are a lot more sociable and have had a core group of the same friends for many years. I have always made contact with them all every day when they have not been home but occasionally even then I have had to think about it and make the effort as it has not come naturally to me.

As I have said I am fine with the way I am, I am not going to change but I do sometimes worry about Matthew and what his life is going to be like. I also sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a group of close friends that I can turn to for help or support without thinking that I would be imposing on them. I don’t know who I would say if I was given some really bad news by the police and they said should they call someone if Craig and the kids were not around.

I don’t suppose it would do for everyone to be the same whether that be introverted or extroverted or somewhere in between, I am content with the way I am and nobody will change me, just as Craig is the exact opposite of me and I would not expect him to change. He has been the one that has helped me keep some of the connections I do have and I am grateful to him for doing that.